i hope i look happy, because i’m really not. i know a lot of kids now and days are doing this, but it’s still something some people should know.
i fake a smile everyday, and it’s getting to the point when it’s just to hard to. everything else is just weighing it down, it’s hard to keep up. it just hurts knowing that i haven’t smiled for a real reason in so long, it’s tearing me apart. my friends are starting to notice that it’s not real anymore, and i just can’t tell then why.
my best friend died two and a half years ago, his name was zack. he was my best friend ever since i was a little girl. growing up withhim i had the best child hood. he lived in parry sound, and i saw him at least 3 times a month. and all the time in the summer. in the summer of 08’ i fell in love with him. i know i was only 13, but i was in love with him, i fell for my best friend. he stopped me from doing drugs, he stopped me from drinking, he stopped me from stealing, he stopped anything bad in my life, and filled it with something good and amazing. on march 16th 2009, he kissed me on the cheek, and he said he was in love with me. i was 13, and he was 16. the next day, march 17th, we got into a stupid fight about our parents. we started yelling at each other, and i just stormed off and i told him i hated him. i went to my cottage, and he went to a party. two hours later i heard police alarms from out side. i looked out my window and saw an ambulance, and two police cars. it was 11:37pm, and i walked out side i my pajamas and asked a police officer what was going on.
he said “there was a boy was intoxicated on the dock, and he tripped off into the water. because he was drunk, he couldn’t swim. could i get your name and phone number? and if you wouldn’t mind, could you identify the body, because you seem like the only sober one at this party.”
so i got into the ambulance and stood beside the stretcher. the police officer removed the white tarp off of the face, and i saw my best friend. he was cold, and lifeless. i ran out and ran as far away as i could. i didn’t stop running until the police officer caught me and took me down, and he started yelling at me saying that i couldn’t just do that. i couldn’t stop screaming an crying. i couldn’t believe it. my best friend, the boy who i fell in love with, the one who held me up through everything was gone. i couldn’t do anything. and since then everything went down hill.
my parents always fight because my dad started drinking. when i have friends over they act all happy and loving, like perfect parents. but once they are gone my dad instantly get angry and frustrated. hes always yelling my mom and i. i can’t remember the last time he said he loved me. all i can remember where the fights and broken glasses from them. my mom is always trying to change the mood in my house to anything better then it usually is, but my dad just gets mad. he just doesn’t care about much anymore. all they have ever done is point out everything bad i have done, nothing else. they make me feel like i’m an idiot, like i’ll amount to nothing, and that’s all i have ever been told me whole life.
after losing my best friend, and having my dad becoming an alcoholic i became depressed, and i started to hurt my self, then high school started.
i was so lost, but i sucked it up, hoping high school wold be different. i met a boy who i started to date in the beginning of november. i fell really hard for him. about a month in to the relationship i found out he had sex with 3 girls in one night when he went back to his home town for the weekend. we broke up the following monday. i was torn apart, but i sucked it up. about a week later i went to a party, and he was there. he ended up getting me in a room alone with him, and he forced me to do things with him that i didn’t want to. i tried stopping him, and saying no, but he said i would regret it if i said anything else. so i didn’t. my first boy friend in high school ended up changing my life, for the worst.
about a month later i met another guy. we didn’t last for long, but he sure did change me life for the better. he brought me to God, january 15th 2010. and if it wasn’t for that, i wouldn’t be here right now. yes i’m a christian. and proud of it. if it wasn’t for God, i would be doing drugs, drinking, stealing, anything horrible.
about a month in, i fell for this guy. he was sooooo funny, a sweet heart, an amazing christian,and realy attractive. we started dating, but about a month in we broke up right before my birthday. i was okay with it, and i thought i was going to get over him fast, but apparently not. i tried dating another guy to get over him, but we ended up getting really close again. so i broke up with this guy, then we started fooling around. to him it meant nothing, but i stayed with it because it was the only attachment to him i had. i started dating another guy because i wanted it to stop. i ended up cheating on him with the same guy. then we started fooling around again. i wanted it to stop, but it was the only was for me to stay with him, and the feeling was good.
oh, and this guy who i’m still crazy for, is my best friend now. he has been since last summer. since zach died i was so scared to let anyone else in, because i didn’t want to go through that heart ache again, but because i liked him i also let him in. and again, i fell for my best friend. hes such an amazing guy, and i’m not just saying this because i like him, because it’s also true. no one knows me like he knows me, and i don’t think anyone else could. he is the only person who i trust 100% without fail. he calls me everyday, even just to talk. he means the world to me, and i’m so scared to lose him. i know he doesn’t like me and it kills me, but i’m okay with it because hes still my best friend. i’ve tried to get over him, but it’s hard.
we where still fooling around until june, i realized that it had to stop, but i didnt’ know how to. so i made my self fall for this other guy. when i first got to know him, he was hilarious, understanding, a sweet heart, he was always there for me, he never let me down, even for the little things. we started seeing each other in the beginning of the summer, and things where great. not going too fast, he wasn’t a jerk, he even ran to my house at nine in the morning because i was going to do something stupid. he seemed like the good kinda guy for me. one week i went to the cottage, and he came up. the first couple of days where good, but then something instantly changed. he started calling me an idiot, a slut, a fuck up, i didn’t do anything right, a whore. you name it, he called me it. he started talking about other girls in front of me, and said how much he would love to be with them. i’ve met some pretty bad people in my life, some that made me feel like i was nothing but shit, and that’s what he did to me, but worse then i’ve ever felt. i didn’t leave him though, because i thought he was going to get mad. i stayed withhim for 3 more weeks, until one night my best friend started yelling at me saying that he was tearing me apart, so i left him, and it broke me, he broke me. it’s been way over a month, and i still hear the words he called me in my head, he still makes me feel like crap, and he still says those things about me.
my best friend and i have fooled around since, and i’m still not over him. and he found out that i liked him about a week ago, and we haven’t since then, and he also likes someone else. and it kills me. i’m saying i’m only with it, but tears come to my eyes every time i think about it. i’m trying to stay strong but it’s so tiring. my parents are still fighting every day, and i’m starting to get really sick. i’m an insomniac, so i don’t sleep often, not much at all. and it’s starting to get me sick, and i haven’t been eating well either. i can feel my body trying to shut it’s self down. it’s hard to get up, and with the depression things are just to hard right now. i know God’s still there, but with everything that’s going on it’s hard to see him, or hear him. i need help. i’m sick of always adjusting my bracelets to hide cuts and scars, i’m sick of never sleeping, i’m sick of trying, i’m sick of being strong, i’m sick of holding on. all i’ve ever done is mess up peoples lives, without fail.
we,ve always known that youve put on a face and were just waiting for you to tell the rest of us who care for you to trust us we’ve been waiting for along time im not saying your shallow or dumb or anything im just saying you dont have to be strong theres no point in hiding from people who care for you you just gotta find out who they are and when u know they them support you let God change your life
|10 notes||5:08pm 9/9/2011|
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